To Corn or Not to Corn: That Is An Inane Question

Before we get into the fun stuff, there's something I want to talk to you about. Of course what I am referring to is the question of whether one should refer to the above cereal as "Pops" or "Corn Pops." Our populace is divided, and no solution is in sight. Lines are being drawn. Sides are being taken. Cereal is being consumed without a clear sense of how to refer to it. Our country is suffering as a result.

Take a friend down the cereal aisle some Friday night. Point to the aforementioned cereal and ask them to identify it. "Pops?" Or "Corn Pops?" How they respond may well determine the future of your friendship with this social outcast who, like you, has nothing better to do than shop for breakfast cereals on a Friday night (and as much as I love cereal, which is tons 'n' tons, I firmly believe it is first and foremost a weekday breakfast item, so there is absolutely no use in trotting out that tired excuse on a Friday night. Do your love life a favor and have some eggs or Malt-O-Meal on Saturday morning.)

The Pops vs. Corn Pops debate is as divisive as the red state/blue state question, the abortion issue, the Obama/McCain decision -- perhaps even as much as that spiraling battle to the death over the supremacy of pie vs. cake. But that is a question for another blog, one immeasurably more trivial than this. (In a word: Pie. [And ice-cream cake.])

And now, the talking points:

Pops: "Gotta have my Pops" ad campaign. A cultural touchstone. Case closed.
Rebuttal: The damn kids are merely using the shorthand. A nickname. At the end of the ad, when the scholarly, authoritative, sexy announcer comes on to say his piece, he uses the proper full name: "Corn Pops."

Corn Pops: The box says "Corn Pops." What, are you blind?
Rebuttal: Must you always bring that up? But I hear the word "Pops" is very large while the word "Corn" is vewwwy teeny weeny. This would suggest that the product name is "Pops," and that the word "Corn" merely serves as a modifier to inform the consumer as to what said "Pops" consist of.

Pops: "Corn Pops" is a stupid name for a cereal. "Pops" has much more ... more ... pop to it. You have no sense of style.
Rebuttal: So do you call Raisin Bran "Bran" and Frosted Mini Wheats "Wheats" and Cinnamon Toast Crunch "Crunch?" If so, I gotta hand it to you: You're consistent. Consistently wrong. Booya!

Corn Pops: Look, don't be an idiot. It's called Corn Pops. You're just arguing with me because you're a contrarian by nature and because you were booted from your 6th grade soccer team for kissing an opposing team's goalie.
Rebuttal: At least my parents didn't get a divorce because I was a needy, groveling only child with no interests outside the home.

As you can see, there is no easy answer. Don't let your life be torn asunder by the gale-force winds of the "Pops" vs. "Corn Pops" debate. Also, don't let your life be shook to its trembling core by the incessant rumblings of the "Pops" vs. "Corn Pops" debate. And finally, don't let your life be swallowed whole by the ignoble beast that is the "Pops" vs. "Corn Pops" debate. Just call it Corn Pops.