Oh's Say Can You See (A Ripoff)

Here we have one of the cereal world's most serious fiscal matters: the recent, unexplained spike in the price of a box of Quaker Oh's. There was a time not long ago when this delightful cereal -- Good Things In The Middle indeed! -- was available for the insultingly low price of $1.99. Every time, everywhere: $1.99. That's like four tacos at Jack in the Box. Or nearly two at a taco cart. Or two and some change at Taco Bell. Pick your poison.

I digress. This glorious $1.99 was below the sale price of most comparable cereals. It was, in fact, nearly as cheap (by ounce) as the bags of cereal on the bottom shelf (like the passable Apple Jacks imitation, the curious Frosted Mini Wheats knockoff, and the frankly embarrassing Cinnamon Toast Crunch attempt) that, like a good friend or a can of Keystone Light, led you by the hand through the awkward college years. Don't act like you don't remember them. But the ironic thing is Oh's are no bottom-shelf cereal. This is a top-shelf classic, one you'd like your kids to eat and later remember nostalgically, just as we're doing here.

The damn box even boasts of being "Always a VALUE." Always? ALWAYS? And how do you define a value, my good sir? I figure that most right-thinking cereal eaters out there assumed this meant the $1.99 was here to stay. I certainly did. Like two tacos for 99 cents. Staying power. That's how you build a cereal brand. Put it in my bowl every morning for 25 years and I'm yours. But Quaker, maker of other fine cereals such as Oatmeal Squares and Natural Granola, jumped the shark and jacked the price to an insultingly moderate $3.79. That's nearly double. Now Quaker, do you think I have an extra $1.80 lying around to pay for the same damn cereal I became accustomed to buying for $1.99? Do you think I'm a sucker? The answer is ... indubitably yes! But with a milky ribbon of regret.

Because you just can't hate on a cereal like Oh's. They're so crunchy and sweet. You could soak them in your bowl for two hours while you shampooed your dog or shampooed your cousin's dreads or drove to a theater and watched half of Avatar or took a succession of forty showers, and they'd still come out crisp as a carrot and sweet as a graham cracker dipped in honey. Now that's staying power. Too bad the punks at GM had to force us to issue a partial boycott of Oh's. That's right. We're buying HALF as many boxes of the cereal you decided to sell at TWICE the price you promised. No lining the pockets of mansion-dwelling, France-visiting, watch-wearing, breakfast burrito-eating cereal magnates for us. Nosiree Bob. Oh's are good, but they just ain't worth our pride.