Code Red: No Cereal

It's one of my worst nightmares. And it happened last week: I was out of cereal. Call me melodramatic, but it is my number-one grocery-store priority to never run out of cereal (or milk), and I had failed. Miserably. Because I was out. Not I-don't-want-to-eat-any-more-Cheerios out, but the-cupboard-is-devoid-of-cereal-boxes out. This weighs on a man's psyche.

I know exactly how it happened, too. You see, only a couple days before the incident, I appeared to be quite well-stocked. There were at least four, maybe five boxes in the cupboard. I even made a trip to the grocery story and didn't refuel, figuring I was fine for another four fays or so. WRONG. Because here's the thing: The boxes weren't full. Not even close. Most had one, maybe two bowls left in them. And a bunch of little crumbs. Their abundance was an illusion, a cereal mirage, a bite-size, frosted figment of my imagination. It took two mornings to go from five boxes to zero. One morning, I swear, I finished off three of 'em. It's empowering, I'll admit, to conquer three cereal boxes in one sitting. Makes you feel like a king. But unless you've got a healthy reserve, there's a downside: no more cereal.

That's exactly where I found myself last Thursday evening. In most respects, I'm a reasonable man. (Unlike Ralph Nader.) But when it comes to cereal, not so much. I needed breakfast the following morning, and neither eggs nor toast nor oatmeal would suffice. So I did what I had to do: Pac N Save. 9:30 p.m. Three boxes. No regrets.

And that's the story of how, come Monday morning, i.e., this morning, I was able to start my week with a bowl of Raisin Nut Bran (awesome "healthy" cereal; see third paragraph), followed by a bowl of Raisin Bran (unrelated to Raisin Nut Bran; not as good as Raisin Bran Crunch, but still good), followed by a bowl of Raisin Nut Bran, followed by yet another bowl (albeit smaller) of Raisin Nut Bran. Yeah, I like raisins and bran flakes.

Because every story has a moral, at least when it comes to cereal, here's one: Just as you've sometimes got to shake up your friends a bit by accidentally stealing their Ted Leo + Pharmacists album in order to determine if they are true friends or just after your lucky charms, make sure to regularly shake your cereal boxes to determine if they're full, half-full, or nearly empty. You'll thank me in the morning.