Zen and the Art of Cereal-Bag Opening

Much has been made on this blog of the taste of various cereals. That's all fine and good, but before tasting, one must perform an even more essential task that so far has been overlooked: opening the bag. For without razor-sharp claws, tearing through the plastic with a single violent swipe of the hand is practically out of the question. And without futuristic, super-advanced stomachs that can process plastic and convert it into little wooden coins, eating it whole is, too. Thus we are left with one option: using our antiquated "fingers" to tear open the bag along the top seam.

There are two distinct schools of thought on the matter, and within each, right ways and wrong ways. The first method is the corner hole. This is the one I employ, for practical reasons. It involves opening the bag along the seam, but only at one end. The hole usually extends out a few inches from the corner -- just enough room for cereal to pour through, but not so much that you're left with a gaping, unmanageble opening at the top. Not only does the latter make for a less clean pour, but it may also accelerate the aging process of your cereal, especially if you don't properly seal the bag by folding it in half -- or, as I like to do, both folding and crumpling it up inside the box. The corner hole is a neat and tidy approach, and approved by Good Housekeeping.

Now. There is another approach, one that a certain wife of mine practices. I challenge someone to defend it in court, but she insists on doing it this way. What I am referring to is the notorious whole-bag tear. You begin the same way as my method, but you don't stop at two inches; nor three, nor four, nor six. INSTEAD, you open the whole damn thing, tearing the seam from end to end so that the top of the bag is as open as a hungy hungry hippo's mouth. I don't see the benefit of this, frankly, and I encourage someone to attempt to explain it. But I can respect it for its boldness. Sometimes, in the morning, all you really need is a wide-open cereal bag to remind you that everything's going to be okay.

As for the wrong way -- well, it's basically the same for both approaches. It involves the cleanliness of the tear. Every once in a while, or for certain brands of cereals, you may notice that the top seam will not split. Instead, you end up with tears in the plastic below the seam, where your clumsy fingers were grabbing it and attempting to pull it apart. This is a catastrophe, one that must be avoided at all costs. Not only does it impede all future seam-opening activities, but it also makes for a serious cereal obstacle on its way from the bag to your bowl. Cereal pieces may become entrapped, causing a blockage. Or, they may pass through the hole and fall into the space between the bag and the box, never to be seen again. For today's sophisticated cereal eater, that's just unacceptable.

If you find yourself facing an unopenable seam, here's what you do: Grab a pair of scissors. Before the damage gets too bad, cut the corner off the bag. You don't want to cut down too low -- maybe an inch or two from the top (but make sure you get the damaged plastic) -- and cut in a few inches from the side. This will create an isocoles triangle opening resembling in shape and function the corner hole mentioned above. Those of you who prefer whole-bag openings may be frustrated by this relatively small opening, but it beats the hell out of a ravaged bag.